Anchored
by The Sorrows of Arlathan
Summary: Sometimes you just have to accept who you are, and not hope for change. Sara Ryder finds a moment of clarity amidst the chaos...


**Anchored**

 **At the centre of the universe, Shepard guided the galaxy, holding on despite the heaviness of the sky of a trillion stars on her shoulders.**

Sara Ryder...Pathfinder...How could she find a path to a new home? She could barely get the strength to pick one foot up from the unfamiliar terrain and follow it with another. Everything was so heavy. Sara cracked the discomfort in her neck. She was carrying around age old emotions that should have been left behind in the Milky Way. That had been the general idea. The naivety of it was laughable at this point though. How can you outrun your own thoughts? 600 years and she had woken up feeling just as morose, like she'd necked six bottles of wine the night before. Sara gave a mocking salute to the floor, hunched over, with her legs hanging off the end of her bed. The floor was cold under her bare feet. It was eerily welcoming.

 _Some leader I am..._

Guiding others while blindly following in her father's lukewarm footsteps, Sara pursed her lips at the irony. She had been trying to escape his shadow all her life, and now she found herself completely unshielded in its absence. He hadn't even been dead a week. It felt unsettlingly easy to think of him as deceased. She'd never really thought of him as alive, truth be told. Dad could be distant. Though, Sara supposed, that was her own doing more than his. They clashed a lot, too similar to coexist. All families are dysfunctional in their own way, but after her mother's death Sara became weighed down with a deep, aching depression that she just couldn't seem to shake.

Hence, Andromeda...

"You can never run from your problems, but you sure can get a good chase," as mother used to say. "Just keep one step ahead of them and try not to trip."

Thinking of her words now, Sara's smile was accompanied by silent laughter. Everything seemed so much simpler with such poetic licence. Her mother always was one for memorable quotes pulled out of thin air. And the air was the thinnest in Andromeda. What Sara wouldn't give for another one...?

Ryder pulled on her black tank-top and slipped into her comfy trousers, not even bothering with shoes. Would her little canvas shoes make her more professional to her crew? Somehow she doubted it. As soon as she exited her bedroom into the corridor of the Tempest, Sara felt she was being watched, not by SAM, but the others. Climbing up the ladder to enter the main part of the ship, her insecurities surged. What qualifications did she possess to be the leader of a frigate such as the Tempest? It was meant for her father, a real pathfinder. Alec Ryder had been N7, the elite soldier of elite soldiers. Sara, although talented, had nowhere near as much experience. Yet everyone continued to stare at her expectantly, as though hoping her to pull something amazing out of her arse like the late, great Commander Shepard. Now that was a woman who could get the job done!

 _Maybe it helped that she didn't give a fuck what anyone thought...Great, yet another way we're different._

Wishing she could be someone else wasn't a new part of Sara Ryder's routine. She may have carried the shell of herself well, but she had tried to project Shepard at times, and it just didn't work. It felt wrong, like slipping your feet into someone else's shoes and finding they didn't fit. Pathfinder Ryder just didn't have the same ring to it, but Sara had to keep reminding herself that she was a person too. A different person...Not a legend, nor a Goddamned icon. Sara had a low opinion of herself, so it wasn't a shock to find that every time one of her crew looked her in the eye she saw that same perception. She wasn't sure if she was just projecting onto them, or if they genuinely did think she was a fraud, but she supposed it was the same difference.

If that was all she saw in herself, then that was all she ever would be.

"Ryder, how's the search for that movie coming along?" Liam called from his terminal. "Lexi's got a nice bottle of red ready and waiting, don't you Lex?"

"Dibs," Ryder mumbled, before Lexi could respond. The doctor wore a grimace as well as a concerned mother.

"Do you really think that's a good idea, considering your mental health, Sara?"

"I'm fine."

It was an age old quote to avoid opening doors that were better left locked.

"Are you forgetting I'm your doctor?" Lexi asked, recognising the denial.

"Are you forgetting we're in the hallway and not in your lab?" Sara countered, catching her eye.

"Touché," Lexi sighed, stilted. Maybe the hallways weren't the best place to talk about someone's medical history. "But if you keep on like this the others are going to notice," the Asari continued in a whisper, out of Liam's earshot. "Not that depression is anything to be ashamed of Sara. Keep that in mind. I don't understand why you'd prefer to keep it a secret."

"Because how are people going to follow me and respect me if they think I can't even control my own brain?"

Lexi pursed her lips. Clearly she didn't have an answer for that one. Or maybe she just didn't think it was a question worth answering. Everything about depression was confusing for those who had never suffered from it. It was an absurd thing to say aloud Sara supposed, but it she didn't it would be rattling around in her head any way.

"Just leave it, Doc," she pleaded, seeing that Lexi was searching for a new angle to poke her with.

At that moment Cora exited the botany lab and joined the other three by the circular terminal, glowing in the ship's dull lighting. Sara instantly felt awkward, nervous almost, like she'd do something wrong if she moved a muscle or spoke a word. Something about Cora seemed to have this effect on her. Every time she talked around her, her voice would sound so shy and delicate, two things that she was most definitely not. It was intimidating to be around Cora, the would-be Pathfinder, had Dad not chucked a spanner in the works. Cora had a way of making Sara feel like she didn't belong, but then again, as with everything in life, it could all just be in Sara's head. Paranoia and insecurity seemed to walk hand in hand with depression. She hadn't traveled to Andromeda without them. They'd greeted her in another star system like an old friend. She wondered if any other Andromeda settlers were coming to this conclusion, that literal distance didn't just automatically undo your problems. Life had a way of following you into the very depths of a black hole and out the other side into nothingness.

Sickened, Sara didn't like the knotted sensation in her stomach that accompanied Cora's presence. Without excusing herself from the others, she began to make her way towards the ship's helm, where Suvi and Kallo were deep in conversation with Peebee. The Asari threw her a playful grin, which Sara returned half-heartedly. She passed them all and leaned on the galaxy map controls, gazing out into the abyss at the front of the Tempest and ignoring the voices despite the contents of their discussion proving to be rather intriguing. Even in company Sara felt alone. The only person that could coax her out of her pit of misery had been her brother. Scott was her anchor since birth, while she swam in circles around him. Maybe it was a twin thing. Or maybe it was a Scott thing. He ran wild in the Galaxy, but his mind had always been a bit more grounded than hers. Unlike now. Until he awoke from his coma, Sara feared she would remain in her current state of melancholy.

Her heart was heavy, shrouded in self doubt. She wasn't Alec. She wasn't Shepard. She wasn't even close. But she was Sara Ryder, and she didn't need to feel ashamed of that. It would take some reminding for her to believe it, but Sara realised she had no choice. She had to keep repeating it in order to make it real. This wasn't her war to fight, and she wasn't to blame for the mess in Andromeda, but she couldn't give up. It had somehow landed on her lap to sort out, and she owed it to herself to try.

Sara Ryder may not be the hero that everyone wanted, may not be the hero that everyone imagined after years of waiting, but damn it she would still follow the path that she found herself on. She didn't have to lead, others just had to follow. Sara Ryder wasn't perfect, but then again...who is?


End file.
